A Long Hard Look So, I'm admitting it. I got my panties in a wad the last few days and vented here on the blog and then felt really stupid about it. And then I got a bit scared about how my words could affect my future at what I do and the feelings of people I know and care about. MisterMack has talked about becoming more transparent on in the blogosphere and I guess because we are bit older, it isn't always easy (I'm not speaking for him, I have no idea how he feels about it but it got me on a line of consciousness about the anonymity issue which I've been very relaxed about at best.) I mean, for Christ's sake, when I visit with people in the blogging world, I made a choice not to hang on to my anonymity. When people have sent me e-mails, I tell them who I am. I even met Rep. Stacy Campfeld and told him who I was while looking him in the face in both of my capacities as editor and as newscoma. I'm usually a pretty brave creature about things of this nature. I've had just under 30,000 visits and 66,000 page views and I didn't even start a site meter until something like February. I don't know how significant that is in all honesty because I'm rather old and I know other people visit other sites more than mine, but I guess it's not bad for blogging less than a year. So, when I discuss rural media and being that I run a newspaper, I wanted there to be a level of honesty and to have a sense of humor. I also know that the newspaper biz is taking hits, and while we are rather protected from some of the problems other larger metropolitan papers are having around the country, I'm smart enough to realize that thinking we are insulated could be foolish. I also realize by some of the things I say on this blog puts me at risk with my job, because no one is safe. I also know that my employees read this regularly and believe me, Rodent Queen got calls about what I wrote yesterday and I got e-mails and then I had to do some meditating on it through the afternoon. When I end up upsetting my co-workers, I guess I need to reevaluate. But on the other hand, I'm human too, allowed human reactions and this blog is somewhat therapeutic. So I pondered. Is the blog worth losing my job, because if my dad is reading, then the bosses will eventually start reading it and they aren't going to like everything I have to say even though I have never referenced them by name. They do know about this blog but they don't necessarily understand it and that's okay. And I decided, after a long day and one very decent night's sleep that I'm not going to stop. Atomic Tumor had a post this morning about criticism he has suffered in being brutally honest about rebuilding his life on his blog. I felt some of his pain, but there is no way that I will ever understand the hell he's going through and then some trolls decide he needs a good talking to? Jeez. He just lost his friggin' wife and he's not even 30. At 30, I didn't know which way was up and I wasn't going through what he has this fall. Here is is, being brutal and keeping it very real, looking at a life without the woman he loves. If he can do this, so can I. And my crap is much less important in the big spectrum of things but it's mine. I find him inspirational, quite frankly. And we stay were we feel we are of value. My entire career has been about treating people with value and being as honest as I can. I did have an incident earlier this year with an employee who got upset about me writing about some dissatisfaction with issues at work here and brought it up rather angrily to me. I was, once again, upset over some work issue and vented, but I toned it down because she was upset. I don't think she comes by here much anymore but I still felt bad about her perceptions of me at that time. I also realized being honest has it's down fall, so censoring my language to her was probably a good idea. Not everyone likes honest. I do feel a responsibility of taking care of these folks at the paper, despite what they may sometimes think. I can't tell them everything, because that's sometimes not conducive to the big picture. But I digress. My meltdown opened a door in my mind this weekend. I have to subscribe to taking care of me as well. When I returned to work after my surgery, I walked into the fire. Now, my self-indulgent temper tantrums, I'll keep to myself because I do not want to cause anyone harm. I just had major surgery, which has probably made me an emotional wreck and that may have a lot to do with my mindset. Edna is a bitch and even though she's dead, her legacy lives on. I also feel change in my personal life in the wind. And I'm cool with it. So, I'll go to work with my Mary Sunshine face in place, (that I talk about at times and which I am also cool with, because it does help my employees and that's what I feel good about. Helping them.) but I've made some personal decisions that will benefit my mental health as well. And everything will work out the way it's supposed to. And that is that.  ¶ 12/03/2006 06:19:00 AM