Annoying Autobiographical Pause #376
Any time anyone has a meltdown, there is regret.
After my meltdown last night, I guess I probably deserve the wanker of December award and it's only the second day of the month.
I'm in the should's right now. I should have done this. I should have done that.
I should have kept my mouth shut.
I lost it. Much of it was valid, but some of it was my own vain ego.
So, being in the should's, I shouldn't have lost it.
I'm not a person who has meltdowns very often so the feelings that go with it freak me out because when coma has a meltdown, it's on an apocalypse level.
I should have kept it to myself.
Also, I just found out my father is reading my blog and I've hurt his feelings with a couple of things I wrote. Things he doesn't understand and because I'm Mary Sunshine with everybody all the time, he didn't know I felt about some of the things I've posted about. My dad and I used to be very close and when he remarried, things over a number of years sort of started falling apart. He's not a feelings kind of guy so these things remained unresolved for me and leaked out on to this blog. I miss him, and I guess if he is reading this, he misses me.
I should have known better. I'm batting a thousand in the last 12 hours. Bad Bad Ivy
blogged about family members reading our blogs last week.
I feel your pain, Ivy.
So, I set the computer aside this morning, vowing that my blogging days were over, my newspaper days were over and that I was going to become a bum and only drink Boones Farm in the Granny Apple Smith flavor and pick up cigarette butts that have been left on the street asking random people to give me a light, babbling to myself about Sputnik or other crazy shit.
Yeah, that's depressing, but it's what I felt (and still sort of do) at the time.
But here's the thing. I love my father, my job and blogging. And sometimes life isn't all fun and games. Sometimes feelings get hurt. Sometimes you hurt the people you care about the most including coworkers and family members.
And being Mary Sunshine takes its toll when because I was full and exploded because I was upset about things and people I genuinely care about.
Sometimes shit just is brutal but tomorrow is another day. I feel bad, but it'll go away. I just hate that I let it bleed onto other people.
The meltdown was a long time coming. Tammy Lynette and I will get through the muck and mud of the paper, as she gets labeled the bad guy and I get labeled the village idiot. It works and we will fight the good fight together.
My dad and I will work it out.
I will continue to blog, I guess.
I will either stay in the news biz or I won't.
And sometimes feeling bad turns itself around and affects positive change.
Sorry about the self absorbed dribble, but it was something I needed to write.