Weekly World News Needs Newscoma
In my quest to obtain gainful employment from Weekly World News, I offer you this expose as Geo. Bush Sr. leans in to read to Geo. Bush Jr. the greatest, finest news rag ever.
What Weekly World News Knows
and YOU DON'T:
(Written by the fabulous Mark Miller)
1 Subliminal Movie Messages. The little-known U.S. Department of Thought Suggestion has embedded a multitude of messages into popular first-run movies and DVDs. These hightech messages, lasting no more than a fraction of a second each, promote such White House-originated agendas as "Support Our Troops," "Love Our President," "Worship Regularly," "Stay Married," "Love the Opposite Gender Only," "Vote Republican," and "Stem Cell Research is Bad."
2 Robot Presidents are Being Created. Presidential assassinations and assassination attempts will never again be a security concern once state-ofthe- art federal robots hold the office of the U.S. Presidency. Making use of a downscaled version of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot technology, not only can the Presidential robots withstand the force of a 10 megaton bomb, but they never need to sleep, can work on up to 380 projects at once and can be programmed with intelligence, sensitivity and charisma.
3 The Government Cannot Legally Require You to Pay Taxes. The government has for over 50 years been illegally prosecuting people in connection with income taxes in violation of both its taxing powers as contained in the Constitution, and the actual laws as contained in the Internal Revenue Code itself. If the American public knew what has been going on, practically the entire federal judiciary would be behind bars, along with nearly every tax lawyer employed by the Justice Department.
4 Bigfoots Are Being Bred as UltraPowerful Homeland Security Guards. Three male and three female Bigfoots are being contained in a special breeding area at an undisclosed location in Alabama. Zoology experts are arranging for the three couples to breed. Their offspring will be trained from birth to detect and disarm terrorists, as well as infiltrate enemy encampments in disguise.
5 Government's Bizarre Plan to End Hunger in America. In September of this year, the government will order all zoos in the U.S. to release their animals. The needy will be given hunting rifles and allowed to go after their own food. They will be allowed to sell any uneaten food to markets and restaurants.